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|Wednesday, June 11th, 2008|
|my mental health (or lack thereof.)
i already posted this thing on a myspace blog but whatever.
about a year and a half ago, something happened to my brain. trying to remain hopeful and loyal in the face of prolonged abuse and neglect by someone who was of utter importance to me finally pushed my psyche to its breaking point. i saw my future changing unfavorably and beyond my control. i don't know why it happened when it happened, but i had my first grand mal panic attack after ten years of complete dormancy. from that point on, i began to chronically experience something called "depersonalization". it's difficult to describe to someone who's never felt it, but it's pretty much a defense mechanism that causes a loss of "self". i feel hollow and detached from my own body. i go through the motions of life without feeling like i actually experience it. like i'm dreaming. sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy. it's invisible to everyone else, but absolutely terrifying to me. it goes hand in hand with my anxiety disorder; as this bizarre, abnormal feeling will promote a panic attack, just as a panic attack will promote this feeling. sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse, but it never goes away. it's a nightmare. just when i thought things couldn't get any worse at the time i began to feel this way, i had the person i needed help from the most look me right in the face and tell me that not only didn't he care, but that he felt i deserved it. so toss in the most intense, soul consuming hatred and disgust i've ever felt for a person into this concoction and you have a furious, confused, churning mass of "fucked up". let alone the fact that i was drinking myself retarded every night just so i wouldn't have panic attacks.
i eventually figured out that self medicating this problem with alcohol just makes things worse. a lot worse. i didn't seek help because i refused to be medicated, and i knew that's exactly what they'd do. i don't like drugs. the idea of SSRI's just never sat well with me, and they still don't after trying them recently. (i'm drifting from the timeline of my story here for a minute, but just bear with me.) saying that the results of such drugs were unsatisfactory would be a gross understatement. the drug "celexa" they put me on made me absolutely batshit insane to the point where i was literally just terrified of everything and having panic attacks that were so bad i think i actually fainted at one point. i also tried a drug called "seroquel", which in high doses, is given to delusional scizophrenics. i didn't like this idea either, even though i was on a very minimal amount just for a sleep aid. it made me feel stoned. i hate being stoned. why? because it gives me anxiety. so, no drugs for me. i'm not willing to try something that might make me feel that horrible again. maybe when they finally start trusting me when i tell them i DON'T have an alcohol problem anymore, they'll give me the good stuff like ativan or xanax.
so, back to the story. a year and a half later, that is, up until 2 weeks ago, things had improved for me a lot. satisfying relationship, marriage proposal, great apartment, etc. that creepy depersonalization crap along with the occasional panic episode still haunted me every now and then, but i was at a point where i felt like i could finally deal and just get the fuck over it. i began to see a future again, and that felt good. real good.
now, seeing as how you can't fart in boston without everyone hearing it, i think everyone knows what happened that changed all this. you want an explanation? ask him. you'll have as much luck getting one as i have.
all i know is, i relapsed into the panicked, frenzied, hollow and hateful mess i was last year, maybe worse, in a matter of seconds. i did something dumb and self destructive that lead to nothing but a hole in my stomach and a vicious, bile heaving hangover that eventually turned into a panic episode to end all panic episodes and a 4 day stay at mclean hospital. (voluntary, mind you.) i sorta look at it as an interesting little "vacation". now i'm out, and i have to deal with this mess. my own mental mess, and the mess that was my relationship.
i'd kill someone for a moment of mental clarity right about now. i forget what it feels like to not be in a constant state of worry over what my brain might do to me next.
there are a lot of unpleasant things in life, many of which you can avoid or escape. try escaping yourself. it's a bitch.
and bitch, try escaping me.
|Monday, May 19th, 2008|
i thought this was cute. thank you frado, for being you.
|skinhead disaster train
skinhead disaster train ’08
...or at least that's what chris called us during a text argument somewhere in ohio.
i'm sure everyone knows the back story to this, no need for a friend's further embarassment. bottom line: bad shit went down, i went to help. this was not a vacation, but a mission.
manchester airport: after taking way too many ambien the night before, i boarded a plane to new jersey, where i would be getting on another plane bound for los angeles. the flight was unusually bumpy, sam forced me to eat burger king for breakfast, and again, i had taken way too many ambien the night before....so the chatty little turd next to me shut up real quick when i stopped nodding politely, started sweating profusely, then proceeded to violently hurl bacon and eggs into one of those little blue air sickness bags. i spent my layover woofing down pickled ginger from the sushi place in the terminal. i shot some tequila, got on the plane and thankfully passed out through most of it. denise was punctual, or at least she would have been, had she not gotten stuck in a parking garage behind some asshole in a mercedes who didn't feel like paying his fee or something.
long beach: comfortingly ghetto. adorable little latino food places everywhere. i could imagine myself living there, briefly. her apartment was right on the beach, which was really nice. i found the oil rigs off shore with the fake palm tree disguises to be pleasing. we only stuck around to rearrange the efficiency of the car packing job a few times, make a couple calls, buy a leash for the cat and make sure meatball had pooped. then we hit the road blasting sheer terror.
cali and nevada: not too eventful. mostly chatting, griping, chain smoking and discussing what we would do if we had to pee on the side of the road. we agreed that stifling the urge to go running out into the pitch black desert like a couple of maniacs would be difficult. driving through las vegas made me feel longingly reminiscent to the point where i wished we could stop and and hang out for a while. unfortunately, it made denise feel bitterly reminiscent to the point where she wished she could burn the place down. we tried to hunt down a carl's jr. and failed. i nodded off until we got to utah, where we stayed at the first in a series of pet friendly motel 6s. conveniently enough, it was right around the corner from a carl's jr. it's a good thing we don't have those around here, or i would weigh 300lbs.
utah: i know it's full of creepy mormon compounds, but wow, what an absolutely gorgeous place. photographs don't do it justice, and it's too beautiful for words. incomprehensible canyons, rivers, multicolored mountains, and towering rock formations that look like they must be some kind of man made palatial fortresses in the sky. there were this one series of cliffs that had eroded in such a way that it looked like a mountain of skulls. fucking intense. i spent most of the ride with my face plastered to the window in awe. you pretty much just have to see it yourself. if i visit utah again, there will be a motorcycle involved. right before colorado, we ended up needing to replace the 2 front tires because they were apparently pretty beat. turned out to be a good idea...
colorado: equally breathtaking, until of course, the sun went down and it began to rain. a loud humming noise was starting to make us nervous, but knowing that mismatched tires will do that sometimes, we didn't start to sweat it. yet. further up into the mountains, the rain turned to snow. yes, snow. we laughed about how funny this seemed, but "funny" turned into "frightening" real fast when the snow got heavier and the humming noise turned into a whirring, wobbling type noise. we spent several hours driving with a horrified sense of caution on this winding pitch black mountain road, clustered amongst enormous semi trailers, with what soon became obvious was a failed wheel bearing in blizzard conditions. we were terrified to stop, and just as terrified to keep going.
*early on in the trip i predicted that there would be a moment where denise and i would both end up crying. this was it.*
we finally got the fuck out of the mountains to the outskirts of denver, and stopped at a motel 6. as if we weren't shaken enough, the room next to us had this dreadful rusty rape van with a cracked windshield parked out front and their dark, ominous room door propped open with a crusty towel. that bottle of gin denise brought with us was about to give us some much needed love, so i dashed over to the 24 hour walmart next door to buy a mixer. and by "dashed", i mean literally RAN. i was honestly convinced that if the 3 hour hellride we had just gone through didn't kill us, then SOMETHING would. i didn't just entertain the idea of buying a gun at walmart, i was actually going to do it. not like they'd really sell a shotgun to a disheveled, wide eyed heavily tattooed woman who was obviously crying, but it turned out this walmart didn't have real guns anyway. at least not out in the open after dark. i was about to settle for a BB gun, at least i could've put the drugged up psycho killers' eyes out had they come bursting into our room. my rational side took over and i changed my mind. needless to say, denise and i got DRUNK. we woke up hung over but relieved when denise found a nearby shop to replace the wheel bearing for a fair price. after driving through denver we ate at chik fil a, which made me happy. then on to nebraska.
nebraska: there is nothing in nebraska. don't go there.
iowa: the whole state smells like a mixture of crack cocaine, human waste, and in some places, rotten feet. there's nothing there either. don't go there. unless gag inducingly gory roadkill and excessively dark and shady rest stops are your type of scenery.
at the border of iowa, we stopped at another motel 6 and tried to sleep around 4 or 5am. TRIED to sleep. i closed my eyes....nope, something's wrong. tried again....nope, something's wrong. a combination of pounding rockstar drinks, popping ephedra, driving through 2 long, barren states for a total of more than 12 hours piled up onto last week's crushingly depressing news was a perfect concoction for the worst, convulsing, hyperventilating, screaming and vomiting panic attack i've had in more than a year. denise couldn't sleep either due to something unrelated, but hearing me puking and going outside every 5 minutes to scream obviously didn't help. i don't even know when i fell asleep. i can't tell you how glad we both were to be the fuck out of iowa the next day.
illinois: a refreshingly short drive in comparison. and bonus, some awesome R&B radio stations with hilariously stereotypical black DJs. we got stuck in traffic for a while due to a truckload of compost or something that had spontaneously combusted.
indiana: another refreshingly short state. people really like racing there.
ohio: way to go, ohio. i enjoyed driving through this state and i can't remember why. i think it was because it's so delightfully white trash. i saw some amazing white trash yards but they went by too fast to get a picture. we stopped at another motel 6, which was actually pretty nice compared to the dumps we stayed before. i think maybe we just felt spoiled by the extra 3 square feet of bathroom space and no complimentary condoms (yeah, what?) found in said bathroom. we drank some wine, talked some shit, and passed the fuck out.
pennsylvania: well we were only in this state for an hour or so. we stopped in a place called erie. it was eerie. pun intended.
new york: been there done that. oddly enough, we got more questionable stares from people in upstate new york than we did in middle america. yeah, i don't know either.
aaaand finally, back in massachusetts. we had a celebratory gross fast food dinner because we knew there'd be no excuse to eat this crap again for a long time.
so yeah that's it. my first cross country adventure.
some memorable sidenotes:
our highway biker buddies! these 2 guys passed us in utah, then again in colorado, again in nebraska, and i think once in iowa. i'm sure it was because they recognized the schwinn beach cruiser on the back of the car and heavily tattooed arms hanging out the window. they waved every time they passed and one of the guys took a picture. i was kinda hoping to meet them.
walking the cat on a leash at rest stops like a dog so he could poop. hilarious but totally embarassing.
talking about the texture of our fast food diarrhea.
and a sad one: the dead horse we saw in the desert with several other horses standing around him in mourning.
D: *eating waffle fries* "potatoes are a just plain amazing vegetable. there's nothing bad that comes from potatoes. it's like god's wonder potato....wait....what?"
"here she comes.....*tch tch tch, pfp pfp pfp*"
D: "look at my fucking cali ID, wrong eye color first of all, and it says i'm 3 fucking inches shorter....i guess i could just say that he stomped on my pride till i actually shrank." ME: "yeah, and he fed you so much bullshit your eyes turned brown."
....yeah i know i posted this as a myspace blog but i need an excuse to use this thing. and i forgot how to LJ cut so someone help me as soon as you see this please. Current Mood: exhausted
|Monday, July 30th, 2007|
|creme filling for hollow victories
why bother. everyone knows.
so the past few months have been nothing short of excrutiating, but the fact of the matter is, i won. i live in mansion, with a hot chick, in a gorgeous neighborhood. he lives in a bug infested third world hellhole. i lost 40 pounds and can bench press a fucking volkswagen with my legs. he has bigger tits than any girl he'll ever fuck, and an ass that looks like 50lbs of chewed bubblegum. i have an amazing boyfriend who is taller, smarter, hardworking and better looking than him. he has to buy plane tickets just to get his dick sucked by some porky, 19 year old clown makeup dipshit skank from texas who apparently is just as annoying and retarded as she was the last time she came here to spread her legs. i have 2 jobs. he's unemployed. but not like that matters since he's still got plenty of cash in his trust fund.
he's really making this whole "gloating over his comparative outcome and chuckling at his shortcomings and failures" thing too easy for me. WAY too easy.
apparently he's been going around talking about "how fucked up it is that chris would date me, because he's still SO in love with me." uh....yeah, how fucked up is that? i mean him being in love with me was so obvious, what with all that loving behavior he displayed, along with the kind and considerate way he decided to tell me it was over. (that being, by not telling me at all, but saying one thing to me and another to everyone else and letting it get back to me via grapevine.)
then there were such loving statements as: "i hate you, your whole personality, and everything about you." and "everything that's wrong with my life is in some way or another, YOUR fault." or "i don't want to have sex because you gained weight and i don't find you as attractive as i used to". (which by the way, is the biggest reason why i find the fact that he hasn't done some fucking sit-ups and laid off the big macs so fucking hilarious, let alone that he refuses to walk upright or breathe through his nose.)
how about watching me curled up beside a toilet having crippling anxiety attacks due to said behavior, saying nothing but "call a fucking doctor" and leaving me there alone all night? then in the morning, coming in, taking a shit like right beside my head, getting up and stepping over me to brush his teeth, then leaving for work without even touching me or saying "hey you ok?" or "bye." true love right there.
oh yeah, and calling the cops on me and my friend because i made fun of him for being a rich kid. yes, this really happened, i have a credible witness, and is every bit as mindfuckingly dumb as it sounds.
and really, sticking your dick in some nasty assed swamp thing while your "way out of your fucking league" girlfriend is sitting at home wondering why you never want to hang out with her is one thing, but seriously, getting caught red handed with some of "karma's little speedbumps" as a result of it and then trying to blame it on said girlfriend? that's just plain inhumanly disgusting. there, i said it. because i don't fucking have that shit. not now, not ever. and he can thank his lucky stars.
and i swear, if i had provoked this behavior in any way, i'd own up to it. the past is the past, and i admitted i was wrong before, but this was just out of the blue shadiness and abuse. i guess it's my own fault for putting my faith in someone who was only leading me on so he could "get revenge." it was just a major dissapointment to realize that someone who i thought was really special turned out to be just as selfish, shallow, petty and dishonest as any other creep out there. i told him he was nothing but another "ian", but that's not true. he's WORSE.
yeah i'm not over it, whatever. that's what livejournal is for. fuck off. Current Mood: pissed off
|Thursday, March 8th, 2007|
|hopped up on what you mopped up
ok, here's me on saturday night:
ugh....unnnh.....there's no more...NO MORE....STOP....please, stop-AAAAAACCCCK.....no...green stuff."
repeat about 20 times over several hours.
i guess now i know better than to skip food and water, but instead hit the scotch right away when i wake up from an already vicious hangover. kept me up and running for a good 12 hours though. before the painful dehydrated bile heaving.
so i went to vegas again. wish i had stayed. copying kelly with the rundown:
thursday: meet & greet. drinking. boston friends, brits, buffet, strip club, ass on my head. redbull. second wind. drinking. slot machines, fruit, wolves, david hasselhoff.
friday: GUNS!!! drinking. naptime. bad oysters. kristin and jock boyfriend. ceasar's palace, stupid shoes, traffic. fancy suit for the dancy 'do. drinking. more brits. teenage kicks. jager. oysters' revenge. EVERYONE KNOWS!
saturday: hungover hot tubbin'. desperate search for a bike. the deuce. the desert. the pioneer. road warrior. sticky clutch, throbbing wrist. sonic. intestinal catastrophe. naptime. the aggrolites! dancing, drinking, dancing, drinking till 9am. twats, queefs, english bulldog.
sunday: return of the deuce. downtown buffets. stuffing crab legs in my purse. bye bye to kristin:( stratosphere, buffet, grand mal panic attack. woody to the rescue. walk it off. the rio, the palms, shoe shine, drinking, BOWLING!
monday: sad. sushi factory, all you can eat. casino tour. mandalay, luxor, excalibur, paris, ballys, bellagio, etc. walking. vince neil, howie mendel, parrot guy. new york new york, pork n' beans, ROLLERCOASTER! airplane. furbert.
and the word of the weekend: COOOOOMMMMMBS! also acceptable, DAMN IT, HOLY SHIT. Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, February 15th, 2007|
|burnin' ring of fiber
i haven't eaten or even had an apetite for the past 2 days. i tried picking at a couple green beans earlier but just looking at them made me feel shitty. my whole body hurts. my vision is blurry. i drift in and out of consciousness all day. flu? stress? heartbreak? plague? you decide.
i've been living on tea and flintstone vitamins.
at least now i'll lose enough weight to fit into my tonic suit before vegas next week.
on the other hand, i DID break a table in half with my diesel ass the other night, kung fu style.
i've reflected upon my relastionship for the past 6 months, how much nasty shit he's said and how many times he's dumped me and kicked me out for trivial shit. i've decided that it almost doesn't even hurt anymore. thanks for re-activating my shitty defense mechanisms. and thanks for reminding me of what it feels like to be hollow. i don't even cry about it anymore.
the "off" buttton was busted for a while, but now it's fully armed and operational. it may even be too late.
|Monday, January 8th, 2007|
|jagged junk heap of jollities
i posted this on a myspace bulletin yesterday, read it over today and decided i'm pretty amused by it:
i was still drinking at about 11am this morning. woke up an hour late for work, plus it took me another hour to get there. spent a decent chunk of my work day curled up in a ball on the conveyor belt, desperately trying to stifle the indecisive ball of vomit that was bouncing up and down my esophagus like a yo-yo. it was also during this time that i realized i smelled like a combination of a 3 day old sunbaked trout and a gin and cigarette butt filled enema bag. this naturally made the supression of the looming, hellish malestrom of everything i put in my body last night a lot more difficult. miraculously, i succeeded. not gonna drink this week. NOT gonna drink this week. c'mon, seriously.
|Thursday, December 14th, 2006|
|forbidden fruit cocktail
just adding to the list of cartoon characters i have crushes on......
skwisgaar sqwigelf from metalocalypse.
|Wednesday, November 29th, 2006|
|lukewarm guano sampler
i haven't had a "morning after puke" in years, so this sunday was pretty odd. as soon as i got to work, *BLLLAAARGH* all over the place. so hard in fact, that all the blood vessels around my fucking eyes broke and now it looks like i have red freckles. sexy. so i won't be mixing gin, vodka, beer, wine, and klonopin all in one night again any time soon.
thankfully, thai restaurant girl hooked me up with her "hangover special". some chicken vegetable soup with fresh ginger, and some ginger tea, which was awesome and made the barf go away quickly. thai restaurant girl rules.
this whole holiday weekend was pretty nuts. not like i really need an excuse to get polluted anyway.
doug took off on thursday, was supposed to come back friday morning, but decided to stay until sunday night. he also decided not to call me and let me know this, which was awesome, really. i love when people are that considerate. and wanna talk about considerate? ok, i usually don't work until the afternoon, but even when i go in early, i only have to hit the snooze alarm like TWICE. he has to set the alarm about an hour before he actually has to get up, and hit it about TEN TIMES, this morning it was from 5:30am to 6:45. no joke. so, every morning, i either lose an hour of sleep, or just plain don't get back to sleep at all, hence the reason i'm on this stupid thing right now. it's also pretty great that i spent the whole night waking up periodically scratching hives like a maniac because of his disgusting foot fungus that he refuses to take care of. OH and getting yelled at for some stupid t-shirt on the floor that's been sitting there for months but belongs to neither of us yet i'm supposed to know what it's doing there and why. storming out the door without saying bye was a nice touch too.
and he wonders why i sleep on the fucking couch all the time. i'll take a sore back over discourteous alarm clock use, rancid rotting flesh foot smell, painful skin discomfort, drooling, farting, and borderline menstrual morning bitchiness any day.
guess what else? apparently "i'm not as hot as i used to be". you know what? seeing as how this is coming from someone whose ass is starting to look like two undercooked flapjacks stapled to a sack of flour, i'm not too worried about it. just more of my boyfriend's charming behavior as of late.
and to anyone else who may have said something along the lines of, "shana USED to be a real piece of ass"......ok. at least i USED to be hot, what about you? oh, that's what i thought. when you've got room to criticize, i'll let you know. otherwise, keep it to yourself, you frumpy sack of shit.
kiss my 50lbs overweight ass.
|Tuesday, November 21st, 2006|
we got a kitten too. she looks like a little turd with ears.
and my favorite kitten noise is still: *pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter, slliiiideTHUD!*
|fistulous fountain of fun
despite the fact that i woke up hung over to the blaring mariachi music emanating from the apartment downstairs, i've been in a rare and exceptionally awesome mood today. i think it's the budding winter, (and the fact that i thrive in hyperborial conditions) that is making me so goddamn cheerful. there's nothing quite like bombing down storrow drive on a motorcycle, freezing to the point where your face is gonna fall off to let you know you're fucking alive. also, at work today this old asian couple gave me a 20 dollar tip for popping on their wheel covers and installing their headlights.....NIIICE! this is something we wouldn't normally do, but i really don't mind it. the guy i work with was all like, "how come you bustin' your ass out there in the dark?" well, because sometimes, just sometimes, people are grateful when you give a shit about them. it really made my day.
and once again, the luscious lindsay lawless gave me an adorable haircut.
|Thursday, September 21st, 2006|
|oh for fuck's sake
you know, after a 4 year on and off hellride with an abusive alcoholic/drug addict who made me hate myself even more than i hated him, i vowed that i would never again let myself go crazy over someone who really wasn't all that crazy over me. and i didn't. played it safe in my own fucked up kinda way.
however, this time, i failed. and it looks like it's gonna take another few years and another couple hundred pints of gin to get over this most recent emotional blunder.
you know that part in "death to smoochy" where robin williams starts making this speech about "keeping your pride" and then just ends up spilling hot coffee all over his ballsack? yeah that's kinda how i feel right now.
now i'm being pushed one step closer to schizophrenic shut-in. thanks.
|Friday, September 8th, 2006|
|Tuesday, August 29th, 2006|
|tangerines in your tailpipe
so i've pretty much decided that this summer sucked. and here's why:
in july i lost my job at VIP. after 3 months of having no store manager, they hire this homonculid cretin with some kinda hitman complex to come in and take over. he tells me, "there's no full time hours for you." uh? "yeah ok, that makes sense. i left my second job because i was offered full time hours here, and have been working such hours for 3 months, but yeah sure i'll take 20 hours as opposed to 40, not like i have bills to pay or anything, let alone the fact that i drive from brighton to billerica to get here, no problem dude. by the way, go fuck yourself. pig."
so needless to say i was an unemployed hermit for 2 weeks, with -8 cents in my bank account. also, i had to wait almost another month to get paid from my new jobs, which was just great. good thing i was caught up on my bills, and luckily i have excellent friends who will take me out for sushi and send me to the liquor store with their debit cards, haha.
so, i went to go get some food stamps, seeing as how i spent my last 40 dollars on birth control pills (which i made pretty clear to them). you'd figure they'd be more eager to help someone out who tries as hard as they can NOT to be a freeloading baby factory, but guess what? not in massachusetts!
anyways i have 2 new jobs. one at starbucks in brighton and one at advance auto parts in allston across from stingray. come visit me, it gets boring sometimes.
i like starbucks a lot. the people i work with are all my age and really nice, (especially brendan the big cuddly gay dude who is totally awesome.) so it makes up for the snotty assed jewton yuppies i have to deal with. luckily i rule at the espresso bar, so all i do is make fruity sounding drinks all day and have minimal interaction with customers.
advance is ok so far. i stress the "ok", and not just because i got in a screaming match with some bloated old red faced wetback who's too stupid to bring a pickup reciept when we ask him to bring up a fucking pickup receipt, and somehow it's all MY fault when my manager tells me RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM not to give him the radiator hose he ordered without the receipt. i shoulda fucking beat him with it. other than that, it's kinda hard working there. not that the job is hard, i aldready knew how to do the job. there's just a million shops in the area, and for some reason, instead of a steady flow of phonecalls and customers, EVRYONE calls and shows up at once, then it'll be completely dead for like an hour, then again with the frantic flood of phonecalls and retail customers. stressful. also, many of my customers don't speak english, and i end up either feeling bad for making them repeat themselves when i can't understand what part they're talking about, or getting angry if they start get snippy with me for not understanding their fucking slurred broken english. other than that, i like the guys i work with. pretty lax and laid back for the most part. most of them are wetbacks, who like to make fun of other wetbacks, and know where all the good latin type restaurants are come lunchtime. columbian food rules.
my bike broke again. again with the disconnected battery hoobajoob mystery. cranky little thing just hates being ridden in the rain i guess. hopefully i can get it fixed tomorrow since i don't have to be at work till like 1pm.
guess what? i think i have finally outgrown my acne. in the past 6 months i've had like, 3 zits. it's nice to spend 5 minutes on makeup because you don't have to strategically blot concealer in several places, pile on the powder then worry about it for the rest of the night. however, to even things out, and most likely seek revenge on my remarkably smooth and healthy looking face, my body decided to periodically break out in itchy, inexplicable hives all over my arms and legs for the past 2 months. it looks like someone attacked me with a lit cigarette. pure sexiness, lemme tell ya.
also, in case anyone is wondering, i'm still a big fat fatty. i started losing a lot of weight when all i was doing was eating one slice of breakfast pizza from hess station and drinking 3 rockstar drinks for my sole nourishment every day, but since i don't work at VIP anymore there is no breakfast pizza and no 2 for a dollar rockstar drinks. however, i have hired an inexpensive personal trainer. allie! with her marine corps training i figure there's no better person to whip my ass into shape. i figure i'll just buy her stuff in exchange for it. she's already got me writing down everything i eat for the next 2 days. then, uh, i dunno, i've never been personally trained before. i at least want to be jacked enough to indefinitely hospitalize doug and whatever anorexic clown makeup whore for which he ends up leaving me.
oh yeah, someone cut our fucking ghetto cable! i'm assuming it was the cable guy, but whatever, how dare they uh, stop us from stealing cable! i can't watch adult swim and that makes me sad. i watched the new metalocalypse on adultswim.com last night, but ya know, it's just not the same.
so there you have it, that's why my summer sucked. i miss everyone at VIP (ALMOST everyone) and i feel bad that i can't just stop into my mom's house on the way home every day like i used to (for which she and my sister guilt trip me daily). other than that things are starting to get somewhat normal. hopefully the fall won't suck half as bad as the summer now that i have some money, but i still hate boston and that's not gonna change anytime soon. at least the cold weather cheers me up.
by the way, no one ever comments on my lj. is it because no one loves me? because no one cares? am i boring? it's my life goddamnit, take my internet diary seriously!
if you didn't realize that was sarcasm, then you don't really know me.
the internet is gay. Current Mood: crappy
|Monday, July 10th, 2006|
|impromptu pantaloon fusillade
wow i never even look at this thing anymore.
the internet is a boring waste of time. leave your house. go buy a motorcycle. i did. i have a tan. i'm dropping pounds. i'm not drinking so much. but i'm having fun.
my bike is the cutest. it's black and chrome and loud as shit for a suzuki 650 girly bike.
old orchard beach still rules. except i'm pretty pissed off that they tore down my favorite old arcade to put up some stupid fancy modern hotel. gay.
saturday kelly and i rode up to water country. spent too much money, but had fun anyway. i think it was worth not eating for the past 2 days.
so uh, jared got married....? the wedding was cute. i just thought it was pretty unfortunate that it was amy's mom's wedding, and not amy and jared's wedding. psycho parents suck.
anyways, doug is driving them both to amy's base in texas, where they have to live for the next 3 years or so. sounds kind of shitty if you ask me. but then again i've never been to texas. i dunno if they made it there yet, i'm kind of ignoring doug due to the fact that this whole year he's been talking about going on a cross country road trip, but frigidly excluded me when the opportunity arose. and then wouldn't let me use his car when i had a chance to go on my own mini-trip. so yeah fuck him. i hope he doesn't think i'm gonna be nice to him when he gets back without some SERIOUS ass kissing either.
dora did my hair for free the other day 'cuz she needed a blonde model, which fucking ruled because: a. i'm broke, and b. it came out awesome.
um, yeah that's about it. i still have a boring yet cushy job in billerica, i still miss my best friend, and boston is still loaded with faggots. Current Mood: rejected
|Friday, April 21st, 2006|
|unanimous crap mandate
stress. i have plenty. and i know where it comes from. so finally, i decided to eliminate one of its major sources.
1. weasel my way into a full time position at VIP.
2. quit that fucking restaurant.
done and done.
reasons i quit the restaurant, including but not limited to:
my boss. the cambridge liberal trust fund muppet who thinks he can talk to me like i'm a fucking idiot just because i didn't go to college and get a fancy piece of paper that says i'm capable of anything other than "waitress" or "cashier". he's the most unbearable person i've ever worked for, and it's completely unecessary. i get there on time, i do my fucking job. i really don't get it. i still can't decide if he just enjoys talking to people like that or if it's because of his piss poor social skills. i can't even count the times where i've had to turn around, squeeze my fists, count to ten, and say to myself: "shut your mouth, you'll lose your job."
the lunch crowd. fucking dildo headed casual friday office park dork-a-trons with gingivitis who order like douchebags and never tip. i realize it's a cafeteria style restaurant, yes. i know you don't HAVE to tip. but if you get 3 rounds of beer and don't even drop a fucking dime in the bucket, then fuck you! I'M GLAD I USED MY EARWAX TO DISSOLVE THE FOAM OFF THE TOP OF YOUR SAM ADAMS YOU CHEAP PIECE OF SHIT!
people who order:
corona. way to drink piss.
heineken. way to drink cat piss.
people with poor taste irritate me.
salad eating bitches. you know who they are.
"oh i'll just have a salad. do you have salads?"
you're in a BBQ restaurant bitch, don't insult me with your "salad" talk. order a pulled pork sandwich and grow some fucking curves like us normal women.
people with kids. not only do they make large orders and never tip, but their stupid brats bitch and moan, disturb the other customers, and make a huge fucking mess of the table (which i have to clean up, thus making it even more unfair that they didn't tip me.) lock those fucking things up until they're well behaved enough to be brought in public please.
i hate people so much.
there's more. but i'll just stress myself out by getting into it.
the only customers i don't want to strangle are the working class slobs and billerica bikers who are always super friendly, funny, and tend to even OVER tip me. the other night these guys left me a 12 dollar tip on a 35 dollar bill. that really made me hate the world a lot less that night.
anyways, i'm out of there in 2 weeks. i'll miss the kitchen guys, rodrigo, marcos, matteo and vava (even though he is a little creepy.) and rose and cathy of course. oh yeah, and the FOOD. oh my god, the food. imma have withdrawals. i'm gonna have to take some carolina gold sauce with me and inject it like methodone.
oh well. one stress source down. next i'm gonna have to work on the road rage.
i've decided that boston sucks. everyone is lame. i've been going to shows and hanging out around here since i was 13, so therefore it's taken me about 10 years to get sick of it. that's a pretty good run i think. then again, i have the patience of a saint. either i'm gonna have to get the fuck out of here for a while, or people are gonna have to stop sucking so bad. these people are making me hate my own city (which most of them aren't even from, btw.) "skinheads" make me not even want to be one anymore. someone revive my faith. show me the light.
i've also decided that there are 2 kinds of sub-cult people. people who existed before the internet, and people who exist because of the internet. to the latter, you know who you are. and you ruin it for everyone.
so i just registered myself, ian clark and doug for the motorcycle safety course. seems like a good deal, 10% off insurance and you leave with your license. plus, i know how to ride a vespa, but not a regular bike yet. learning the "shift with your foot" thing without dumping my own bike sounds fair.
like i said to erin, "fuck it, i'm chopping my front fringes off. and from then on i'm just gonna be a fat tattooed biker bitch with a mullet. i just need some more stretch marks."
oh and i love my boyfriend. for not being lame.
i wasn't gonna get all emo about this, but fuck it.
my best friend left for the military on tuesday, and i'm sad.
so while she's off learning to jump out of planes and defend our country, i'm gonna be sitting here pulling my hair out and igniting my own flatulence.
she would have laughed at that for sure. i miss her already. Current Mood: stressed
|Friday, March 17th, 2006|
|the moist chuckle of chainsaws
ok, what the fuck happened to my layout?
ah, st. paddy's day. or as i like to call it, "amateur night."
i'm supposed to meet up with erin and sean at o'briens for some tommy and the terrors show that i'm pretty indifferent about at the moment.
i just had the most awesome fried clams from milano's. they were huge and the bellies were nice and FAT.
today i went to filene's, or what's left of it. i'm gonna miss filene's, i'm kinda sad it's closing. one more old school new england company down the drain.
OH. and our new room looks amazing. i've decided that ikea is probably the most awesome place in the world. i got a nice new dresser for like 70 bucks, and these cute little hangy lamps for like ten a piece. faaancy. maybe i'll post a picture later if sam wants to let me use her digicam. we've decided to stay there for another year, and just put a bunch of work into it, one room at a time. the bathroom is my project, doug's new "office" is his. then on to the living room. which is going to be way better than yours, by the way.
so i just looked in the fridge, and there are about 200 little cups full of jello shots in there. my sister is a maniac. i was hungry so i had a couple. and yeah you can definitely taste the vodka.
you tards should really call me you know. Current Mood: indifferent
|Thursday, March 9th, 2006|
|disheartening dungaree download
going to court and weaseling my way out of a $135 ticket, sweet.
forgetting my fucking police baton was in my purse and having it confiscated, sucks.
i'm fucking retarded.
so apparently winter is over. i'm quite unsatisfied. as i was last year. that wasn't winter. that was 2 lousy snow storms and one measly week of sub zero temperatures. i'm seriously gonna have to move to alaska or something 'till i get sick enough of snow to return from hermitage. (which will probably be never.)
now i'm depressed.
the house is pretty clean. you should see the bathroom. it doesn't even look like our bathroom. no more gross black hairballs and questionable slime on the walls. doug tidied up the kitchen and living room yesterday. it's almost presentable. fridge is no longer horrifying. i'm really itching to move stuff into the big bedroom, but dickless has been taking his sweet ass time moving his shit out, so who knows when that's gonna happen.
i want a bar. seeing as how that's a pretty permanent thing, this is balancing on whether or not we decide move out in september or stay there. but uh, yeah i want a fucking bar regardless.
updated list of cartoon characters i have crushes on:
brock samson from venture brothers. (still.)
jin from samurai champloo. so hot. Current Mood: weird
|Monday, February 20th, 2006|
|buttery bolus of blubber
prepare for overtired ramblings.
i just got so many pairs of awesome tights at marshall's. all their tights were on sale for like $1 to $3. i pulled some expensive ones out of their package and said "uhh these were in the sale section." so the lady gave me a $10 pair of tights for $1. yeah i'm white trash. at least i'm not as bad as my mom and sister with the switching of the tags and stealing shit.
oh.....and last week i was on my way to work, and halfway there realized that i didn't have my work pants, and also didn't feel like driving back home. so i stopped into TJmaxx to look for some cheap pants. realized i didn't really have time to try on pants. skimming around i saw this plain, stretchy black skirt, size medium sitting there in the clearance section. 3 bucks. perfect. grabbed some opaque tights and went on my way. i put it on at work and it fit me nicely, but but i noticed it was shaped kinda weird. when i took it off later on i looked at the brand tag. "belly basics" it said. it's a friggin MATERNITY skirt. i'm a cow. but fuck it, i wear the thing to work like every day now. it's comfortable as fuck and i love it.
so my brakes went through the floor. perfect timing too, right AFTER i spent the remainder of my savings account on a tattoo. *sigh* at least doug lets me use his car whenever i want. and it has such luxurious things in it, like heat. and a functioning radio. playing my ringtones over and over again and humming to myself on long drives can get pretty boring.
i bought some ribs for my mom from my work, and she left a couple for me on the stove. i told doug i'd bring them to him for dinner and uh, i kind of ate them. i mean they're like crack, i can't help myself.
you know what else rules? chocolate pudding, especially when it has that thick skin on the top. i'm feeling incredibly satisfied yet guilty at the same time.
i'm getting fucked at the restaurant. in a figurative sense, of course. no hours. no tips. dick. balls. ass. natalia just got fired from eastern standard.....and i'd feel like a total shitbag weaseling in there and taking her position but i might as well give that a shot. i'm moving (permanently) to brighton very soon anyway.
i kind of didn't want to stay in that place. the whole feng shui of it just kind of bothers me. even if now we can move into the bigger bedroom, i still don't like the living room. i wanted to build a bar and there's like, no good place for it at all. puss puss is gonna come with me i think. he can kill the mice.
sometimes when i wake up before doug does, i'll just watch him sleep for a few minutes and think, "aww, ain't he cute."
..........then he'll scrunch up his face and release an unholy, cover fluttering ass blaster that totally fucks up my moment.
then i just want to punch him in the face, roll over and pretend like i was sleeping or something.
I HATE THAT SO MUCH. Current Mood: bored
|Thursday, February 16th, 2006|
so i just got a huge exploding bomb tattooed on my elbow. solid colors. and ya know what? it was a piece of cake. it didn't hurt even half as bad as i thought it would. i'd do it again twice to not have to go through having my under-arm tattooed again. that was the worst so far.
my mom screamed and called me an idiot. as usual.
so, after that i am officially broke. don't plan on seeing me anywhere anytime soon.
oh yeah, my hair is now red. lindsay did it. the way she cut it is so cute too. i'm still undecided about whether or not i like the color.
last night i somehow managed to get drunk with only 5 dollars. so even though i'm not blonde anymore i'm still pretty good at scamming drinks. had fun talking shit with krystin and celeste. went home and bothered doug until i passed out.
ugh. there are like 500 people here and they're being so noisy that i can't even think. Current Mood: sore